Pamela J. Wells Blog: March 2012

Friday, March 23, 2012

Awareness Cannot Be Changed, Only Thoughts Can

By Pamela J. Wells

The illusory self, the ego, can’t stand being judged by others. Awareness doesn’t care one way or the other. It is not the mind, so it doesn’t think or analyze things. If someone is saying something about you, you are aware of what they are saying. You do not need to add any thoughts or opinions to it, to identify yourself with it, or to begin judging the other person so you do not feel so bad about what they said about you. If you are aware of what they said and don’t become attached to it, you stay in awareness. Your peace is not disturbed. You are still in the same state of being that you were before. Nothing has changed. Nothing external to you can affect you. Awareness cannot be changed, only thoughts can. Release the thoughts and remain in awareness.
Copyright © 2012 Pamela J. Wells. All Rights Reserved

Feel free to add a comment, if there is anything that you would like to add or any experiences that you would care to share.

Social Networks, Status, & Approval

By Pamela J. Wells

Social networks can be fun, a place to meet like-minded people or to learn about other cultures, to connect with family members who live far away, or to market your business; but, it can also be ego’s playground if you let it.
When you derive your self-worth from the number of followers you have or the number of people who like or share your posts, that is when you run into a problem. Of course, we all want people to enjoy what we post, but when we become attached to their responses and approval, it can have an impact on the way in which we view ourselves and our emotions. If we have low self-esteem or are narcissistic it will impact us greatly, but don’t let someone with an inflated sense of self fool you. Someone who boasts and brags, deep down inside, they have a little “me” who wants to be accepted and wants the approval of others; otherwise, there would be no need to brag and boast; so, low self-esteem and a big ego are one in the same. They just appear differently from what our eyes can perceive.
On social networks, such as Facebook, Google+, and Twitter, you will also see people who follow a large amount of people, but then unfollow immediately, so that it appears as though they are very popular and important. Perception is key and they use it to their advantage, but what do they really, truly, have to gain from doing that? They live on the surface level of the ocean of appearances and never dive down deep below the surface to truly connect to life and to others. When you live on the surface and the waves of the ocean, you live on the waves of your emotions, are effected by external phenomenon and never dive deep within.
The way in which social networks impact a person is dependent upon what that person is seeking from them. Are they seeking to meet new people and connect on a deeper level and not place conditions and expectations on others, or is he or she seeking to stand out, to be unique, special, to be accepted, to be approved of?
Social networks can be fun, they can be entertaining, they can be a great place to market your business, but release the need to ascribe meaning to other people’s behavior in relation to you and what you do on these social networks, what you share and when you follow someone; for instance, ascribing meaning to whether or not someone follows you back or not, likes or shares your post or not. By all means, enjoy yourself, but leave your ego at the door.
Copyright © 2012 Pamela J. Wells. All Rights Reserved

Feel free to add a comment, if there is anything that you would like to add or any experiences that you would care to share.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Nobody Is Perfect

By Pamela J. Wells

Everyone makes mistakes, little ones and big ones. It’s all about how you look at it—how you perceive it. If someone makes a mistake or does something incorrectly, don’t belittle them. Treating others with the expectation that they are perfect and should not make mistakes is unrealistic, delusional. That includes treating and expecting yourself to be perfect. When we expect others to be perfect, it is a sign that we expect ourselves to be perfect, otherwise we wouldn’t place those expectations on others.

Accepting that we are neither perfect, nor imperfect—we free ourselves, and in doing so, we stop being hard on and critical of others, whether it is our children or other adults. They are then able to be around us without all of that tension and negative energy—which frees them as well. Instead of being in the here and now and doing the things you enjoy, living every moment of your life in the present moment, you may be living in the constant, never-ending delusional thoughts of lack, being flawed, not good enough, not having enough, not smart enough, not beautiful enough—and thinking illusory thoughts of how other people seem to have a perfect life, no problems, no imperfections, from what you can visibly see.

You say, “If I could be more like them.” You say to yourself, “I cannot let them know that I am insecure and feel bad about myself or they will judge me and validate my feelings of inadequacy.” Our fear is that we will be found out; and therefore, not be accepted. You have to accept yourself 100% and you have to release all expectations that you have placed on yourself and others to be perfect.

Feel free to add a comment, if there is anything that you would like to add or any experiences that you would care to share.

Accepting Ourselves

By Pamela J. Wells

We have to accept ourselves, and in doing that, it can be very challenging at first, because we are going to run into people who are going to use what they perceive as our imperfections against us to raise themselves up, so that they can feel better about themselves, by attempting to fill that void and emptiness within themselves. They have to keep the continuous cycle going of belittling others, of judgment, of ridicule; however, they never fill that hole inside of themselves.

Our challenge is to be able to accept that there will be people out there like that who will put us down and attempt to belittle us. We also have to get past that feeling of anticipating what people are going to say, or might say to us. We have to realize that there are many people out there who are unhappy and miserable, who lash out at others. We cannot control other people’s behavior. They are on their own path and can only change themselves. We have to be consciously aware of what we are thinking, in order to change our thoughts to positive ones, so that we can be at peace with ourselves and others.

Copyright © 2012 Pamela J. Wells. All Rights Reserved

Feel free to add a comment, if there is anything that you would like to add or any experiences that you would care to share.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Being Kind When Others Are Not

By Pamela J. Wells

When you hear or see someone saying something unkind or cruel to someone online or off, say something kind and uplifting to the person who was on the receiving end of their remark. It will have a positive impact on that person and may even shine a light on the “bullies” behavior. Bullies come in all shapes, sizes and ages. When someone lashes out at others, it makes the environment toxic and people who want to communicate with each other in a positive manner, many times, shut down, even other people who witness this behavior, but they don’t have to. The best medicine for a bully is “Allies.”

This is an extreme example of a bully; but, here goes, I liken their behavior to rabid dogs, especially online bullies. They viciously attack anyone and everything around them. Someone who lives their life like this is living the most miserable form of existence. They purposefully shut others out of their life and go out of their way to be cruel and unkind. They are lacking the feeling of love in their heart; which, many times is due to them not being loved or shown attention by their parents or other caregivers growing up. This is not to say that people who were not shown love or attention growing up are unable to love, but when people lash out in such an extreme manner, they are not at peace with themselves and others, which is not natural.

Our true nature is peace and joy. Anything that takes away from that was created from faulty thinking and perceptions about oneself and others. When they lash out like that, they have a lot of anger and bitterness and only know one way to communicate with others. It is possible for them to wake-up from this toxic way of living, but they have to do it. Nobody else can do it for them. They have to be tired of suffering and open to changing, which starts by going within.

When you are kind, you clear the toxic air out with your words and the person who was on the receiving end of that person’s unkindness and others who witnessed your kindness to the other person will feel and enjoy your positive energy and you will be surprised, they will feel free to and begin to open up and talk when you have helped to clear the air.

Copyright © 2012 Pamela J. Wells. All Rights Reserved
Image licensed under Bigstockphoto.com

Feel free to add a comment, if there is anything that you would like to add or any experiences that you would care to share.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Blame

By Pamela J. Wells

When you catch yourself blaming someone else, pull the mirror of denial out and look at yourself. If you are running late and you are in a hurry to get to work, don’t berate the cashier because you think that they are too slow or get angry at another motorist because you think that they are too slow and are in your way, when you should be looking in the rearview mirror at yourself, because you are the one who did not wake up early enough to allow yourself enough time to get to work.

It is easier taking our frustrations out on someone else than it is acknowledging to ourselves that our action or inaction was the cause of our stress. And when we get in trouble by our boss for being late, who do we blame? You’re right, the cashier or the other motorist who got in our way and prevented us from getting to work on time.

Whenever you get ready to blame someone else or find yourself in the middle of blaming someone, pull the mirror out. Here is an idea. Keep a compact mirror on you at all times, so you can whip it out at any given moment. If you are driving, you have the rearview mirror, but keep your eyes on the road, of course. Let your mirror be your conscious and your reminder to look within instead of without.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Big Beautiful House, the Beautiful Car, & The Luxuries You Have or Desire

By Pamela J. Wells

It is perfectly ok to be successful, financially and/or career wise. The problem is when the ego rears its ugly head, crown and all, to hurt other people along the way. The more we cling on to our money, to objects—the greedier we become—the less we trust others, the bigger our ego becomes, and the result of that is our spirit and our connection to others becomes crushed underneath those heavy mental and emotional weights. Instead of relating to others, having compassion for others, and helping others, the ego wants to protect and safeguard its assets for fear of losing them. At this point, we live totally in our mind, where we create our own misery and suffering by our faulty thinking. There is no space in our thoughts, no rest, no peace, no tranquility, no time to enjoy nature without the chatter of the mind. It’s not about the money you have or don’t have.

It’s not about having the biggest, most beautiful house, beautiful car, and all of the luxuries of life—it is about people, family, and friends. It is about that connection between people, feeling that connection, the life force that we are all a part of. If you don’t know it now—that it is about connecting to others, then you will someday when your family member or friend has passed away. The big beautiful house, the beautiful car, and the luxuries you have or desire can easily become distractions from those you love, if you let them, and then you realize how quickly you would trade them in just to have your loved one or friend back again even for just one moment.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Ego Is Taught To Children By Their Parents & Others

By Pamela J. Wells

You see ego in action at an early age. Children learn ego from their parents and their peers by putting labels on others, such as beautiful/ugly, smart/stupid, good/bad, weak/strong, normal/weird, etc., and then children take those labels and lash out, with their ego crown on, through bullying and teasing other children. This is considered the norm in our society—identifying ourselves as being separate from others, constantly competing with others and trying to prove that we are worth something, that we are better than others, stronger than others, that we are special, that we are popular; because, deep down inside we feel empty. That is why nothing ever changes. Until adults realize and recognize that they have to drop their ego—their false and imaginary idea of themself and others—and not teach it to their children, not teach them to put labels on other children and people, kids are going to continue to torment other kids through bullying and labeling.

With adults seeing bullying as a normal part of childhood, nothing changes, and then you have children either repeating what was done to them to others, or growing up with these scars from childhood and self-medicating with alcohol/drugs, and/or even worse, committing suicide or murder. It is considered the norm for boys to display their strength and show aggression towards others, especially to others who appear weaker. It is considered the norm for young girls to manipulate and play mind games with other girls, backstabbing, peer pressure, causing other girls to feel that they are not a part of the group, teasing, taunting, and competing with each other to get boys attention. These are not considered life skills that our children need to be learning to prepare for adulthood. If we cannot learn how to communicate in a healthy and an effective manner towards one another as children then we carry our toxic ways of communicating up through adulthood and then wonder why our life is so miserable.

When it comes to the public school system, their primary focus is on academics and grades; but, they can, at the very least, have speakers come in every year to give talks on bullying and how to prevent it, and they also have to hold children accountable for bullying. There also needs to be programs outside of school where children and parents can go to, where they can discuss issues with bullying and find solutions. We can provide children with the necessary tools to create a better, more psychologically healthier life for themselves that also has a positive effect on others. We cannot control the way others think, behave, and act, but we can control ourselves and we can be a positive influence on others.

When You Are Being Bullied, It Seems Like The Whole World Is Against You, But It’s Not.

By Pamela J. Wells

When you are being bullied on a daily basis by one or more kids or young adults, it feels like you are in a bubble, where it is you and your tormentor(s). That is your life at that point in time. It is all you can see; however, there are other kids out there who are suffering just as much as you are from bullying and there are adults out there and parents of other children who are bullied regularly, who are not ok with it. I was one of those kids who was bullied on a regular, daily basis at school. There was always somebody bullying me, whether it was the kids on the bus or a particular individual at school. It was as if I had a sign stamped on my forehead that said, “This girl is shy and does not fight back, so feel free to pick on her.” I never responded to kids who bullied me. I never stood up for myself.

I was unhappy and suffered on a regular basis for several years while in school, because of being picked on and bullied. I just went to school and suffered through the torment, but I made it out and now it is in my past, but what I can say is that there is help out there; and, instead of doing nothing and not saying anything to anyone, the best thing to do when you are being bullied is to reach out to people who you trust, such as the school counselor, and if you have a favorite teacher who you really like, reach out to them. Reach out to your parents or grandparents. They will help you. At one particular time, during school, I was so upset over someone who was bullying and threatening me that I went to the teacher and asked to see the school counselor. I was crying and did not know what to do. Surprisingly, the counselor brought the girl in and we both talked and the issue was resolved. I never had a problem with her again. I do believe it is best to talk to a counselor. I am not saying that the bully should be brought into the counselor's office. This particular counselor thought that it would help and in my situation it did, but I'm not sure how it would work with other people. Definitely talk to someone you trust and feel comfortable talking to. A counselor is good, because the information is confidential and could help you find some possible solutions to dealing with the problem.

There are support groups out there that you can find online or locally. Here are a few websites and a video with helpful information on bullying and how to get help:

Stop Bullying...Take a Stand! (Excerpt)

PBS documentary series for teens.

Get Help

StopBullying.gov

Resources Empower Tweens (children ages 8 - 12) to make safer online choices.

Real Life Stories Videos from Teens Who Experienced Online Victimization (Youth Ages 11-17).
NSTeens

Bullying Prevention:
National Crime Prevention Council

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Your Mind Will Not Bring You Peace

By Pamela J. Wells

No matter what you think about meditation, always know that your mind will not bring you peace. The only way to feel peace inside (the natural state of your being) is to relax the mind and this is done through meditation. You may say, “I don’t have enough time!” Well, if you don’t have enough time then you really do not want to be at peace. Just a few minutes a day is all it takes and as time goes by you will start to spend more and more time meditating. When you have a hectic schedule and you find yourself going from Point A to Point B from the time that you wake-up to the time that you go to sleep and sleep seems to be the only time that you are not constantly going, what you need to do is to take just a few minutes out of your day to meditate.

When you think about mediation, you think about sitting in a certain position with your legs crossed—that you have to do it a certain way, in a certain position, and in a certain place. If you want to do that, that’s fine. There are a variety of meditation techniques that you can follow, but you have the option to do it in a non-traditional manner, which enables you to do it anywhere and especially if you are on a fast-paced, busy schedule every day that leaves little room for meditation, so being able to meditate anywhere is the key, which can be done using the most basic and important part of meditation, which is to close your eyes, relax your body, and focus on your breath, slowly breathing in and breathing out. This enables you to clear your thoughts and come to a peaceful state. Feel your lungs slowly expand as you breath in and slowly retract as you breath out. You can also imagine stillness, space, emptiness (such as a black and vast space of emptiness) while you are breathing in and breathing out.

When you first start to meditate, the mental chatter will be a challenge to release; however, the more that you meditate and the more minutes that you can allocate to meditation the better. Do not get frustrated over the thoughts coming into your head and bombarding you. Do not get upset with yourself if you have trouble relaxing your mind. Everyone goes through this when they first start meditating. Do not say things like, “This is too difficult. I cannot relax my mind.” Just continue focusing on your breath. Breathe in slowly, breathe out slowly. It feels like the mind and its endless chatter is on autopilot, but even though it seems that way, it can be, through practice, calmed down. Just keep returning to your breath. Allocating 20 minutes or more a day to meditation is a good start. Eventually, you will be able to meditate for longer periods of time, about 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening is a good amount of time to meditate, but it is not set in stone the time of day that you meditate—whatever is convenient for your schedule.

It is easy to get distracted in our daily lives and have trouble getting a routine of meditating going or completely stopping meditation. You forget about it and get caught up in your old ways of living. You have a habit of doing certain things every day and, like most people, are rushing to get things done, rushing to get from Point A to Point B; so, it is helpful, in the beginning, to place little notes in different areas of your home, in your purse or billfold, or car (the mirror above the visor is a good place to put a note) as reminders. You could write down these words: Breathe In Slowly, Breathe Out Slowly, Relax. You can also do shorter spurts of meditation during the day, during your breaks and lunch at work or your business. You will find that the more that you meditate, the more you enjoy it and feel at peace. The ability to carry that feeling of peace over during the day becomes easier and you are able to make clearer decisions throughout your daily activities. Instead of coming from a place of stress, you are coming from a place of calm and peace.

Care About Yourself & Others

By Pamela J. Wells

Feel the love in your heart, care about yourself and others, be kind to yourself and others, and do the things that make you feel good, that you love to do, and that reflects your knowing of the great life you have and all that you are grateful for. This will enable you to enjoy each and every moment and it will also propel you forward, where you are actively pursuing your dreams, taking action every day, not living in the future, but creating your future.

Caring about yourself and others, you allow yourself to feel your true nature of joy and that joy spreads to others. Say, “I choose happiness! I choose to feel the love and joy in my heart and to not focus on any thoughts that distract me from my natural feelings of love and joy.”

Monday, March 5, 2012

Happy Within

By Pamela J. Wells

As long as you have negative self-perceptions and you are attached to external things and people and allow yourself to be effected by them, you will not be able to feel that natural state of peace and joy; therefore, happiness will elude you. It is the mind that tricks us into believing that peace is outside of us when in reality peace is our natural state of being. Let go of all self-defeating thoughts. Allow yourself to feel the peace, joy, and love inside of you, because that is your natural state, your true nature. It gets covered up by the mind and all of its faulty and false perceptions.

You can feel good inside at any moment, by allowing yourself to feel good inside. You just feel it. Try it now. Just sit there, clear your thoughts, and allow yourself to feel the feeling of peace inside of you. Acceptance is peace. Release your thoughts and focus on the feeling inside of your chest, inside of your heart, the energy that is increasing from your chest, from your heart, generating and glowing from within and moving outward, an invisible light that you can feel, that is an overwhelming feeling of peace. It is love. It is peace. It is your natural state. Peace and love will flourish from within and without.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Change Your Thoughts To Uplifting Ones

By Pamela J. Wells

Whenever you find yourself feeling down, what were you thinking about? Obviously not everything that you are grateful for or the opportunities in front of you that you have not allowed yourself to see because you were too busy feeling down. More often than not, you were thinking about a negative past experience that you keep hanging onto. As soon as you realize that you were thinking about some negative past event, change your thoughts to uplifting ones. You will need to have a list readily available, because when you are down and depressed you are not going to be able to easily think of uplifting thoughts, especially if you are not used to thinking those type of thoughts. You need to create a list of everyone and everything that you are grateful for, such as your family, your friends, the supportive people in your life; and, you need to create a list of your talents, any ideas that you may have and opportunities that you want to pursue. Keep your mind open to new ideas and opportunities that you would not otherwise have considered.